I danced in the shower, dressed up and started the day on a high. Outside the breeze was crisp like a spring day in the middle of November. At this time of year, my normal life would’ve included UGG boots, a hat and heavy coat. I seized the moment. I had a date with the sun and inspiration. I took in the beauty of the environment, fed my spirit in fellowship and strolled effortlessly for about a mile.
Sitting at a bus stop in a foreign city , I never fathomed that I would ever be in the situation I’m in . 2018 came in diesel with guns blazing, healing, revealing and tearing up everything that was not solid. Everything I knew to be familiar, a safety net, a sure thing was shaken to its core . It all fell apart. Broke, business on halt, no home of my own but covered by grace daily. I went from happy hour, brunching & dinners at Tao to revering Ramen Noodles with spinach as a delicacy. My last bit of energy, resources and efforts went straight into a shredder. PTSD is an understatement.
I had a moment in Trader Joe’s collecting groceries for the next few days. I shopped strategically for items $4 and under. At the register, I watched as my card declined for a bill that was $18.43. Confused and concerned I went across the street to check my account. There was a little over $11 in there. I gasped. My facial expression went from bewildered to stunned. I was at loss for words.
This was real life and it was happening. An entrepreneur, hard working, college educated, over a decade of experience in my field and this was my reality. I mean I’ve been broke before but chile, this is a whole other level! This year, I was challenged beyond what I could conceive me having the ability to bare. I died daily as I lived in routine. Working, investing, fighting, wishing, hoping, trying . Meanwhile, I was sitting on the receiving end of an avalanche filled with the opposite of everything I desired.
I watched my love life, businesses and what I thought was the way to my happiness crumble. It is a ego blow every day. I am used to being independent. I prided myself in what I worked hard to build. I was determined to see the fruit of the blood, sweat and tears I invested. I was determined to MAKE it work. The truth is , it hasn’t been working for a while. I was comfortable and getting by but not happy.
T H E G L O W U P M O M E N T
I watched my spirit weaken and strengthen again. Though I have no clue what is on the other side of this experience, I can say that I have never been happier inside in my entire life . Something awakened in me. Though the circumstances appear contrary, I have never felt more love and spiritual connection in my life. I never experienced genuine internal joy in this way — especially with out access to all the things I am used to . It shattered every idea or scenario I thought would get me out of discontentment. I was a walking shell . For me, life has been occasional glimpses of who I am, existing in what I do and engaging brief moments of escape. I have to admit, after writing this I felt vulnerable– like damn, why put all my business out there like that? The “image” of it all appears very differently. Beneath those glossy photos are a myriad of challenges and confusion.
Naturally, I didn’t want a bunch of people to know I’m a grown ass woman starting over yet again. Never in a million years did I think that I would be in this place at this stage of my life. This experience was not in my radar.
A N E W T R U T H
Inwardly, I’ve never felt more alive. I experience genuine joy and gratitude for everything I have right here and now, every day. A year ago, if I was in the same position I would have flipped out and sunken into a deeper depression than I was already in. I would have been focused on what’s missing. Ironically, with even less in my possession at the moment, I see differently. I am in the literally in the palm of my Creator with no where to turn in my own strength. Don’t get me wrong, I want success, riches and every dream to come true and it will . The truth is, if those successes came before this realization, my life would be filled with hollow, beautiful distractions. I would be attempting to buy my way to something that is impossible purchase with money. The cost was everything I thought I wouldn’t survive with out. The price was releasing my rigidity, learned beliefs and methods of “the way” to happiness. It was losing what is familiar and opening myself to walk towards the space my soul was pulling me.
True worth cannot be calculated or quantified. Genuine worth is inherent and internal. It is an exhilarating, authentic, edge of the seat experience inside of us all. Real worth is revealed in deep connection to ourselves. It is continual evolution. It is an experience of the soul. This joy is different. This is something I’ve never experienced. Every day since being awake has been different. Familiar things look and feel completely new. I see things I didn’t see before. Every day, every need was provided. Things hidden in plain sight I saw for the first time at the exact time I needed it. This season is teaching me principal and realignment. My bitterness is being healed after devastation and shattered hope . New vision is bringing comfort to the pain of what I thought my life was supposed to look like by this time.
Co- creating is literally a daily experience, every time we wake up, right where we are. That process looks different for all of us Individually. It’s a walk authentically towards the pull of our souls; in our beauty, in our essence, in what’s really true to us every second of the day. I’m learning now that that’s what it means to be alive. Not running for the next moment, not worrying about what will happen days, weeks, months, years from now. The truth is, none of that is a sure thing. That doesn’t mean to be careless, reckless or live in a manner that is outside of the realm of love for ourselves and others. It means that in spite of daily plans and challenges, “the sure thing” is right in front of our faces. It’s the present. Like right now, take in the room you’re sitting in. Look at the walls touch the chair. If your standing feel the weight of your feet and body touch the ground. Breathe in the air. Take a deep breath, feel the wind leave your chest, nose and mouth. Smell the aroma of where you are right now. Can you see or feel something in the room that you’ve never seen before though you’ve sat there every day?
I N G R A T I T U D E
In your own space right now, join me and let’s take in the physical space we are in . Let’s look at the good that surrounds us in this moment as you read this . Look at the blessings of the day thus far. Look at the beautiful grace that surrounds you right now. If you are breathing you have been graced. Whatever you’re sitting in right now, there is good in it. Open your eyes in a different way today. Let love fill your spirit and see something new in something you’ve been looking at every day. Only more good can come from good. This is a seed of good.
It’s my desire and prayer that all who are led to this message be ignited inside and the light of your true soul shines brightly. Where there is doubt, that it would all be washed away ; that your eyes would see new right where you are and your heart will be open to receive the guidance and impulses within.
Forever, together, we live our best lives from this moment forward . Amen 🙏
2 thoughts on “I N S I D E W O R L D”
Its Dawn and Monique. God bless you!!!!!!. Thank you for being so vulnerable; you blessed our hearts this morning. What you said is real truth.
This is Monique; I wish I could be so courageous as you and just walk away and receive that inner peace!! Truth is there are so many distractions and so much noise which prevents this. I pray that I will find this peace knowing that with each breathe I am graced with God’s love!!!
We are keeping u in our prayers with authentic love
Dawn and Monique
Thank you so much ❤️ . I love you both ❤️❤️ 1 day at a time, we will all get there xoxoxoxo